5 Things Every 1390s Kid Begged Nikolaos The Wonderworker For

1)    A Kitty

Even adults as far back as Ancient Egypt loved kittens! It’s a universal constant. Everyone knows that. I do. His name is Jack and has bright green eyes. My parents seem to think Jack is my boyfriend because they won’t visit from across the country. It’s a blessing in disguise, though. Really. It’s fine. Please stop asking.

2)    Lord Kjalsen’s Forgiveness

You wouldn’t believe what they thought was cool way back when! Instead of Fortnite and dabbing, they begged Nikolaos and their parents incessantly for Lord Kjalsen not to pop out of his shanty fucked up on applejack, swinging his blunderbuss around the potato farm. The tricky part was that no amount of gold could satisfy Lord Kjalsen’s mad lust for power. Only the nicest boys and girls were spared from his wrath!

3)    A New Brother or Sister

On the other hand, you might notice that some things haven’t changed! Kids didn’t hang out after school like they do today—times were tough! Most serfs needed all the hands they could get. There was just too much on the fief the family had to hoard from Lord Kjalsen when he wasn’t staring you down with his watchful eye and working shoes and apothecary gold and enough indulgences to last an eternity, the filthy, filthy bastard. With so much demand, they topped a lot of solstice wishlists!

4)    Everlasting Life

Kids have always been a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Kids today know that the grown-up world is boring, and 1390s knew deep down that life under a murderous tyrant was just a fleeting bag of shit with no real purpose! No real purpose, of course, other than finding everlasting peace by any means necessary, something Lord Kjalsen would know nothing about, no matter how much he tries to deny it! 

5)    Lord Kjalsen’s “Untimely” Demise

Hell awaits the wicked.